Why do space explorers always wind up meet some crappy pantheon ? It never fails . You ’re cruise along , fighting monster and know your crewmates ( or frailty versa ) and then all of a sudden some annoying guys in tunics are talking Big Talk and rewriting world to befit their moronic whims . As Crichton from Farscapesays , “ Godlike aliens ! Man , do I hate godlike aliens . I ’ll trade a critter for a divine alien any twenty-four hours . ” Amen , Crichton . Amen . Here ’s our daily round up of the most annoying outer space god , with only one exercise from Star Trek .
The Organians ( Star Trek . ) Okay , so Trek is chock full of annoying space god , from Squire Trelaine all the elbow room up to Q. But the Organians are the worst . For one thing , they ’re totally passive - strong-growing . They ’re like , “ Oh , anguish us , we like it . ” And then when you get too feisty , they turn around and burn your custody off . And they literally wear tunics and have shitty beard . But worst of all , they ’re gods with ADD . It ’s like , “ We forbid you and the Klingons to oppose ever again . We ’re going to be find out y — hey , is that a quarter ? It was lustrous ! I think it rolled that way . Where did it go ? ” And then you never see them again , except for one prequel appearance on endeavour .
The Guardians ( Doctor Who . ) They ’re colour - tantalise divinity with bird on their head : the white one ’s good and the mordant one ’s evil . And they broadcast the Doctor on the wackest pursuit in history , then follow back and pester him . They keep changing the birds on their heads , so the Doctor ca n’t tell which one is respectable and which one is evil . Oh , and they ’re all - powerful , but they ca n’t intervene , so they have to recruit cowling - head skull guys , schoolboys and pantomime pirates to aid them . Lame . Here ’s the Black Guardian , pimpin :
The New Gods ( DC Comics . ) Yeah , I know , Jack Kirby invented paper , and he is the comix god . But the New Gods were n’t among his good ideas . They ’re a weird unification of superheroes and mysticism , with a healthy Cupid’s itch of seventy hippie stuff thrown in . You have the evil drawing card , named Darkseid ( pronounced “ non-white side , ” I think ) and the good leader , nominate Highfather . last is personified by a shadowy guy on skiis name the Dark Racer . Everybody confront the “ camera ” and makes deal of weird speeches about sound and evil and the Source Wall and the Anti - Life Equation . It ’s demented in a dependable mode , but also a small too spiritual for that character of comic - account book fatuity .
The Hybrid ( Battlestar Galactica : Razor . ) The echo - y voice , the uncanny ostentatious murmuration about “ my children , ” the mysterious - ish mutterings about the Revelation of Saint John the Divine and how all this has happened before and will happen again . essentially , he fell asleep in the bath and totally lose track of his sponge . In general , there are wayyy too many prophecies on Battlestar . My eyes glass over any time someone mentions the Scrolls of Pythia or the bathroom graffiti of Hermes or whatever .
The pilot ( Dune ) . Okay , so the thought that drink in worm barf could mutate you into a being who control space and prison term is kind of silly . But are they gods ? Let ’s ask famed SF author Norman Spinrad . Here ’s what he says intro to Dune :
Paul Atreides passes through these three ascending stages on his way to finally utilize the drug to achieve the ultimate storey , to become the Kwisatz Haderach , the fully Enlightened One , able to reckon the conventional region of space and time from the outside , as Einsteinian four - blank space , a consciousness rendered therefore prescient up to a item , an Enlightenment that twist out to be both a godlike power and a tragic curse .
Another Herbert novel , The God Makers , iseven more along the same lines : a human becomes a god by focusing the “ pounds per square inch - force play ” of his worshipper .
Jodie Foster ’s daddy(Contact ) . Jodie Foster zooms through a beautiful sweaty wormhole and then finds herself in the thick of a adorable , lovely , lovely , gorgeous nebula thingy that makes her go on an ecstasy trip . And then she ’s float down onto a beach , in a mid - air foetal position . And then her dad shows up , wearing a really dorky denim - type rig , and grow all condescending , with the " that ’s my scientist " bullshit when she expect question . It develop really horse sense - of - marvel - atomic number 39 until you feel like you ’re getting a marshmellow clyster , and the god - daddy gives a speech about how amazing human being are , withour beautiful dreams and our crappy nightmare . " In all our explore the only matter we ’ve found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other . " Barf ! ! ! ! And then he condescends some more , when she tries to talk sentiency to his young - historic period crap . you may see why Penn Jilettehated this movie . Oh , and here ’s a pukey clip :
The dagger fellow ( 2001 : A Space Odyssey ) . An exotic monolith comes to Earth during prehistoric times and helps the apes to evolve intelligence . Later , at the turning of the millenary , Dave run across another obelisk orbiting Jupiter , and goes on a trippy - ass journey to a whole seven - ages - of - man diorama , until he turns into a super - fetus in space . It ’s zoomy and spectral , and leaves you with a whole guide - by - godlike - ish - beings feeling .
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